The Kind of Hockey Coach We Don’t Want to Be!
February 24, 2009 by Dennis Chighisola
SPECIAL BONUS ENTRY (the result of a recent member comment)
First, I think it best not to identify the member who sparked this post. However, from the many years I’ve traveled the rinks and talked to hockey parents, the following comment could have come from a lot of hockey moms or dads.
Secondly, except for the rare weak moments anyone can have (including This Old Coach), I doubt much of this pertains to current members. The fact that you’re here tells me you care too much, and that you’re likely too bright to let yourself slip in the way at least one other coach has.
All that said, here’s an excerpt from a comment I received earlier today:
“The other night after a game, the coach of a Pee Wee level team was belittling and badgering his kids so badly that they came off the ice crying. They had a practice later the same night, and that coach told his players not to bring sticks. A lot of the kids now want to quit the game all together. So, I want to know why this guy is a coach? Half the time he does not show up because of his other kids who are skating elsewhere, or because he has to work. What a jerk! So how can anyone blame the kids if they make mistakes in games when they don’t really have a coach?”
Phew, do you feel what that parent is feeling? And, do you feel for those young kids? (Actually, I kinda burned as I read it, as many of you likely did.)
Well, here are some of my impressions when it comes to the coach in question…
- The answer to why that guy is coaching the team? It’s because he wants to have control over it. He obviously knew ahead of time that he was going to have conflicts, and that he’d have to miss a number of practices and games. But, to not grab the reins of that team would mean he wouldn’t have the say when it comes to line-ups, ice-time, etc. (more specifically, probably, the fear of not controlling where and for how long his own youngster would play).
- About the coach telling his players to leave their sticks at home… My immediate guess is that he’d heard that somewhere else — like at a high school, junior or college practice. Yes, sometimes the guys and gals who coach at those levels are pretty harsh, or they pretend to be. And, sometimes — if the ploy isn’t over-used, older players will respond to a shock treatment. But, as you’ll notice me saying numerous times within CoachChic.com, an adult must recognize where he or she is. Or, in this case, I think we’d all agree that 11- and 12-year olds or not ready for belittling, badgering or having to leave their sticks at home!
- Furthermore, let’s consider the difference between bringing the sticks or leaving them behind. For, I’m going to suggest that we could get a whole lot more accomplished with a group of Pee Wees by organizing and then running an effective, teaching-oriented practice. (Darn, it would absolutely kill me to have to waste an hour of practice-time in that way!)
- Of course, organizing a good practice would take some time and effort on the part of the head coach. I have no way of knowing whether the coach in question does that or not. However, the way he reacted recently suggests that he doesn’t. To know why I think that, please read on…
- My dad, an outstanding baseball coach, used to say that, “The guys who have to berate their players usually do so because they’re at a loss for what to really say or do.” (God bless my late dad, my best friend.) What he meant, of course, is that a coach who knows how to teach spends more time providing concrete directions, and a whole lot less time criticizing. That said, there’s seldom an excuse for blaming players for mistakes; the kids’ problems most likely stem from a lack of direction, and then from a lack of repetition (doing the right things, over and over again) in practice.
Again, phew… And again, I doubt anyone who has the dedication to be here needs to be lectured on any of the above. Still, it’s not a bad idea for us to at least think about these things on our way to being even more effective coaches. So, with that in mind, let me share a few more personal thoughts and experiences…
A great many years ago I left my game-bench with every intention of reaming my players. God must have jumped in though, because I was intercepted by the scorekeeper for a time. Yes, thank God and the scorekeeper, because my emotions changed quite drastically in the 10-minutes that elapsed, and my changed attitude saved me from doing something very, very stupid.
I’ve been forced to hone my post-game talks all the more in recent years. You see, our games are almost always followed by a next day practice. So, I purposely do what God and that long ago scorekeeper did for me, stalling for about 10-minutes before entering a post-game lockeroom. And during my brief time outside, I gather my thoughts, and then I try to phrase them in a way that encourages my kids to come to practice. Think along with me, if you will, in that there’s no urgency in my/our addressing sensitive issues at that time; even a well deserved blasting could wait a day or so.
As for dads coaching teams… Hmmm… The times I’ve coach my own, I felt the best thing I could do for the young guy would be to teach him sound hockey principles and great skills. My artificially making him a star on the team wouldn’t last a day beyond his playing for me. What would last, would be the skills and smarts he gained from our practices. So, that in mind, I now ask my assistant coaches (who usually have a son on our team) to help me run the most efficient practices possible. Again, what their kids gain there is the only only thing they’ll be able carry to future teams. (Stats don’t impress future coaches, nor do championship trophies; what does usually impress are great skills and those hockey smarts.)
Then, I’d like to share with you a little deal I make with my players (and their parents) prior to a season… I tell them that, “I’ll never criticize you, so long as you do what’s asked of you.” Of course, that implies things like attending practices regularly, always trying no matter how hard some drills might be, studying extra materials if so asked, behaving properly, etc. So, in essence, if you do things my way and they don’t work out, the results are on my head.
Finally, although I don’t want to turn this area into a “he did this” and “she did that”, I do think it appropriate that fellow coaches share with us the ways they have positively solved some of the problems noted here.
Did I suggest a coach could run with this one, Stirling? By the way, although this drill...
“The other night after a game, the coach of a Pee Wee level team was belittling and badgering his kids so badly that they came off the ice crying. They had a practice later the same night, and that coach told his players not to bring sticks. A lot of the kids now want to quit the game all together. So, I want to know why this guy is a coach? ”
That happened to me in Bantams. I had a coach that had us skate for an hour and a half straight, never saw a puck that day. Was one of the most miserable experiences I ever had in hockey. It didn’t improve our team any. All it did was upset a lot of players and parents.
I wanted to delay a little while to drink-in what you said, Dan.
And, hmmmm… The hockey experience you related actually reminded me of a few of my own — having grown-up playing baseball, football and hockey. And, although those kinds of (really negative) events were few and far between, I do recall almost wanting to quit at times.
So, I think that’s the message we all have to gain — from your comment, and from the parent who inspired this line of discussion… The reason kids sign-up for a program is because they think it’s going to be fun. And, if it isn’t, at least most of the time, they’re not going to stay in the game for long.
Then, this interesting aside… One of the rinks I regularly skate at has some over-30, over-40 and over-50 senior leagues. And in the lobby I’ll often spot ex-NHL-ers, former college greats, and even a bunch of my old players or students. And I think to myself, “The sum total of their earlier experiences had to be pretty positive, for them to still love the game the way they obviously do.”
There weren’t that many bad experiences playing hockey, and there is no other game I loved to play as much. I played some golf, football, baseball, tried basketball and tennis, played 13 years of soccer and hockey. That experience was probably the worst. In high school though, my 9th, 10th, and 11th grade years I had one coach who I really enjoyed, but he got a job as an assistant coach in South St. Paul and left us. My 12th grade we had a new coach, one who played favorites, or played kids he knew from the past. Well, since I refuse to kiss butt to get ahead, even though I was the best player on that team, and by far the best d-man he had, he never seem to like me much, and some games, for no reason at all, I’d have my ice time cut. One day, I just got sick of the nonsense, told the coach mid game that I deserved better, and after a few minutes of argumentative banter between us, I ended up just going to the locker room, changing into my street clothes, and left the arena. The next day the coach called my mom, set up a meeting between me, my mom, and him, and he essentially kissed my butt for a half hour apologizing over and over for his actions. The rest of the season went fine. However, apparently he fell into that hole again the next season, and I was told by a hockey parent that he was fired after that season because the players and parents were sick of what he was doing.
Just a brief follow-up to that, Dan… I’ve had the feeling for a long time that our love for the game — when we get older — comes from the sum-total of our earlier experiences. I mean, even if we had a few rough bumps in the road, we’ll still very much love the game if the good (or great) experiences out-weigh those. That’s why I make such a big deal out of our confidence-building in my posts here.
Also, let’s face it: if a player feels good about himself (or herself) after a given rink visit, he likely dies to do more. And he’s likely to work on his game at home. With that, there tends to be a snowballing effect — do well at the rink, practice extra, do better in a game, practice more… Sadly too, though, just picture the opposite, with a kid having a lousy experience one night, and not wanting to even look at his (or her) hockey gear.
In my case, I love the game too much not to play regardless of what a coach did. However, in the second example, I was prepared not to return to the team until the coach did call and apologize. It was my senior year of high school and after 12 years of hockey, I wasn’t going to put up with a coach pulling that kind of stuff.
These days, there is a junior A team in town, and I would’ve probably gone that route over high school hockey if the team was around when I was in school (only the junior team’s 2nd season).
You know, considering all this discussion, perhaps it’s time for me to share something rather personal.
For, a few years back a one game occurrence caused my grandson to declare to his coach that, “i quit!” Hours later, back home, I know he was looking for my support as he related what had happened. With that — and since I know there are a lot of hockey parents here in our membership, I’d like each of them to put themselves in my shoes…
Oh, on the one hand, we parents have good reason to ache for our flesh and blood, and we might just have the feeling that if our youngster quits, the coach will suffer a little pain of his or her own. That, however, would be a very shortsighted approach.
No, I wasn’t going to be an enabler for my young guy; his long-term happiness was my main concern. So I asked him what he was going to do next. Actually, I helped him a bit with the answer, noting a few not-so-great alternatives. Then, when he asked what I’d do under the circumstances, I offered, “I’d call your coach right now, I’d apologize, and then I guess I’d have to see what happens from there.”
The good part of this story is that it’s — at least so far — had a pretty happy ending. That “mean ole coach” (LOL) honored my guy with a team captaincy 2-years later, and the two have remained great friends since graduation. More recently, my young buddy has set some school records as a freshman hockey player.
Again, this is a kinda personal story, but it’s worth sharing if it saves just one member family. In fact, if I’d had the chance to help my new friend Dan in the same way some years ago, I wonder if things could have turned out differently for him, too.